The hum of the industrial fan drowns out the voice of the instructor. I can see her mouth moving but I can't hear her voice. It's like drowning in water.
I want to get up and move. I need to be somewhere doing something. Anything. Anywhere other than sitting in class trying to figure out a hundred different ways to categorize and define the word curriculum.
Feeling frantic that my life is slipping away as I sit. My heart starts to race.
Then I realize that I don't have anywhere to be-no crisis to advert. No unpaid bills, no late assignments, nothing to straighten. No one's happiness to maintain.
Am I bored? Is this a form of contentment? Am I in limbo?
My body has been in a "Fight and Flight Response" for so long that I have forgotten how to just sit and be still.
Productivity has given me value.
In my marriage I had to justify every move and show a product. "Look at me! I baked a cake, cooked a gourmet meal, waxed the car, exercised two hours for a perfect body, and brought home a paycheck", I would eagerly report to my productivity parole officer (The Ex).
If things were not done up to his high standards there would be.....consequences.
My self-worth has been tied to how much I earned, how much I worked, how much I cleaned, how many tiny errands I could accomplish without having to bother the husband. Because I gave him all my power, I valued him over myself.
I have a hard time being alone. It's too quiet. I used to be able to sit down and write, and paint. Now it makes me nervous. Nervous that my product won't be perfect and I will have to justify my time. But now I'm in charge and I have to reassure myself that I'm okay just being me.
How do I relearn to be still and listen? Enjoy my freedom.
It's the first time in a long time, that I don't have to look over my shoulder.
I still feel haunted, I tell myself there is no lion waiting at the door..... I am safe.
It's the first time in a long time, that I don't have to look over my shoulder.
I still feel haunted, I tell myself there is no lion waiting at the door..... I am safe.
You are safe, here we like you just for who you are.
ReplyDeleteC,
ReplyDelete:) :) Thank you! It really helps to write and share. Hope all is well with you!
-Em
For years I knew that you were trapped but I didn't know what to do. I saw you slowly slipping away. You were controlled by a narcissist and I didn't know how to help you. He was a lion at the door. Mean and unkind to everyone you loved in hopes of isolating you and destroying your creativity. You were a possession and had to prove you were worth possessing. What a joyeous day when I saw he had found a new possession and you were free from him!! Everyday I feel closer to getting you back from a huge void.
ReplyDelete