LIfe is busy, hectic, and fun!

It's been awhile since I've posted, but it seems every time I post I use that very phrase!  Life has been keeping me busy with grad school, I have a full-time schedule this semester, and will be actually going into the schools to observe elementary classes.  This observing is preparing me to student teach.  I'm actually enjoying working with the kids, they have so much energy and creativity.  I feel lucky to have this opportunity to go back to school and find a career that I love.

London

So far an amazing trip.......

Counting Down to London!

Well Hello!  I'm counting down to London this week.....just a few more days.  I've made my packing list and I've been scouting out what to see.  So far my list reads:

Tower of London/ Bridge
Crown Jewels
The changing of the guard/Buckingham Palace
Portobello Road
Borough Market
Harrod's
St. Paul's Cathedral
A pub, any will do
Afternoon tea

So, so many choices to pick from....I keep adding to the list! YAY! I will have to post pictures.

This was a blog I wrote for Firstwivesworld.com

I am in a good place now.  I pause to think as I sip my coffee in the local café.  I come here to write, to think, and reflect.  It’s my escape from reality. While sitting here I often reflect on what I refer to as my “past life” even though it was just about a year ago since my marriage came to an abrupt end.

It was a brutal divorce, as they so often are, and emotionally devastating.  How does one get over being discarded with the morning trash? Abandoned. I felt like a "whore" (excuse my harsh wording) who had reached her expiration date and was being shown the door.

Currently, I have moved on to create my own business in designing swimwear (Persona Swimwear) for women and continuing my education by getting my masters.  I’m well on my way to a career and independence.

It’s hard not to let my mind wander down a path of negativity, my anger fires up and I want to scream-to fight.

Even though I was treated badly, I realized they (the ex's family) do not determine my value.  I know what I’m worth.   I use this anger as fuel.  I’m not going to give up fighting for myself.  All the people from my past life may think I’m nothing, but their opinions no longer matter.  Mine is the only one that matters.

Independence.  Freedom.  I no longer have anyone to inspect my cleaning, ask about my productivity, give me a “to do” list, as if I didn’t have any goals or motivations of my own.  I used to be full of self-doubt, which the Ex used to “help” me and to give me “advice”.

During my marriage I would get horrible anxiety attacks, feeling I needed to be somewhere, to call my husband and report where I had been.  My heart would beat rapidly when I couldn’t make someone happy-a customer, a friend. Any expectations and I would panic. Could I make them happy?

Slowly after my divorce was finalized I started to realize I was safe.  I no longer wanted to make anyone happy, just myself. The other voice in my head lessened (the Ex's) and I could hear a different small voice ask “What do you want to do?” I had more energy.  I felt guilty, because I started to feel moments of happiness. I started to explore.  I dyed my hair red, bought anything with an animal print.

Who is this new person?  It's the new me.

Stanley Tucci is Engaged!!

My friend just called to break the news.  Stanley is engaged. I am in shock.  It seems everyone around me is either in a couple or engaged.  I am the last single standing.  (Please read this blog while playing a sad song in the background for the full effect).  I must continue on with my pity party.  Winter is setting in and I haven't felt like driving to pickup any dates, and they usually go dutch on dinner anyways and then want to feel a boob afterwards.  I've completely lost my dating mojo with winter and now with losing Stanley soon to the "institution".  Oh the drama of it all! Does that now mean my blog has officially lost one of its main purposes?!


It looks like "Hunger Games" star Stanley Tucci may be spending the holidays with John Krasinski. Why? Tucci is engaged to marryEmily Blunt's sister, Felicty, and Krasinski is, of course, married to Emily.

"Stanley is very happy with her," said a source who confirmed the news to Us Weekly.

The couple was reportedly set up by Emily -- who co- who co-starred with Tucci in 2006's "The Devil Wears Prada." She allegedly had a feeling Tucci and her literary agent sister would hit it off and the actor has made "several" visits to London to visit his now-fiancee.

Tucci, 50, lost his first wife, Kate, to cancer in 2009. Between them, Tucci and Blunt will have three children in their new combined family.


"It hasn't been easy for him getting into a new relationship," the source tells Us. "But Felicity is a lovely person and very warm and comforting.

 

Family

Hello! I was browsing through a few photos from this summer.  I thought this one was funny, everyone doing their own thing, but stopped for quick picture.  This is my younger sister Megan, who is holding her baby boy, if you wondered what was on her chest.  Then my niece, Scarlett, and my nephew Ian.  My other sister was taking the picture, she was visiting from Texas.  We are in Park City at the Olympic Park, going down the slides and trams.  I like seeing how each little person has their own personality! 

Anger is my Guide

It's amazing when part of your life comes together and the other parts falls into pieces.  Sometimes I feel like I have my fingers plugging all the holes in a dam.  My swimsuit business is coming together with a local retailer picking up the line for the spring, while my day to day job fell into pieces.  One of the owners went on a tirade not just about my facebook usage, but attacked me as a person.  I was shocked.  Then I went home and got angry.  Anger has become my friend.  It's motivating and works as a guide.  The next day I sat the boss down and we had a long talk.  It turns out there was nothing wrong with me or my performance, it was just an off day for him, which turned ugly.  But I was proud that I stood up for myself, without putting him down in return, and kept my integrity.

I'm just trying to be the best person I can be and why it may not be good enough for some people, it's good enough for me. And that's all that matters.

My new "Friend"

Okay. I have calmed down.  The dust has settled.  I do have my moments of melodrama.  It's my process. I totally freak out and then I take time to mull it over for awhile.  My recent "friend" is not trying to plot against me and single handedly trying to destroy my life.  So far his actions are ringing true to the "Let's just be friends" line.  He is taking the time to get to know me for me and not just based on my sex appeal (or lack of). He's been calling to genuinely ask how my day has gone.  At first I was still suspect with his chipper greeting of "How was your day", but now it's quite charming. My "friend" wants to help me create a Podcast about my dating stories. (I wonder if he knows what he's in for?)  I've never had a man take an interest and support my creativity.  And he's an awesome cook. Ha!

I have to give him credit by making me stop and think.  How well have I known the people I have dated?  I never took the time to take it slow and get to know the person.  It was a defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt.....from connecting. I think I'm out of the "crazy divorce" phase and I'm ready to get to know my "friend".

Now I'm Pissed

***Warning: Major cursing will ensue***Now I'm angry today. How can someone push you away and not even try.  Fear.  I'm supposed to hang around and be friends?  It hurts when you go to hold someones hand and they drop it like a cold fish. Any affection. Denied. That makes me feel loved and valued.  Thanks.  Why would I stick around for that?  Even my God Damn friends will give me a freakin hug.  It's cold.  What happened in his life to put up such a wall.  It frustrates me when someone won't get out of their comfort zone because of fear.  Fear of being hurt.  I say, "Grow some balls and get over it."

It's the risk we take and I guess he's not willing to risk it.  I guess time will tell me what he wants to put out there by his effort.  I can either accept it or not.  But I don't want to go down without at least calling him on his shit.  It pisses me off.  I hate no resolution. Or maybe I just don't want to see the truth?

I guess he does not want to officially break it off because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? Or maybe he's frightened of my reaction?  That I might curse at him.

So he wraps the turd in a gold wrapper, by putting the spin on it as "Lets be friends".

Or does it mean he wants to slow things down and build trust?  What?

He said he's not boyfriend material.  I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend.  I'm asking to spend time together and just enjoy the present moment. Eat dinner, watch a movie, have sex-that's it.  What's so hard about that?  What the Hell.  Men are confusing.  What's with all this thinking and talking.  Aggravating.

I need to just start mourning the loss of yet another, non-relationship.  Fuck I hate dating.

Why do I still put myself out there? Because the reward of finding a companion, will make it all worth it.  I'm enough, but I want to share my experiences with a friend.  I want to meet someone that takes the jump, gets out of their comfort zone.  Takes life by the balls and makes it work.  If someone is panicking now, then how do you expect them to stick around for anything else.  The first sign of blood and they shit themselves.  Why put yourself in this box?  You live in the box to avoid any pain or unpleasant experiences.  Hurt will still get inside. By staying in this box the only thing that is kept safe is the limit to your happiness.  Why limit yourself? You are missing quality life-changing experiences, ones where you have to get out of the safety zone to obtain them.   "Fortune Favors the Bold"