I'm Confused

Okay. I'm confused and I'm a little bit bitchy.  A nice combo.  I've been dating this guy "Jeff Goldblum" most of the summer.  I thought it was going well.  We went on picnics, he cooked dinner, we had great conversation.  Then his life turned busy with getting a second job to help pay for a few extra things for his son.  So his time became limited.  I understood and knew I would see him less. "Jeff" would still call and text.  The only catch is whenever I saw him, he seemed to be pulling away.  I would go to hold his hand and he would pull it away, simple, but noticeable signs.

This weekend he had me over and he cooked a delicious dinner.  We chatted and then the conversation grew serious when he mentioned that "This relationship mattered more to me than it did to him." That he wanted to "spend more time with his son and less time chasing women".  But I'm the only woman he is dating. I think. And I'm not high maintenance. I think. So I said "Let me understand, you don't like me and that I liked him more". "Jeff" said "No, I like you".  Ugh....all this "liking". Then he said "I just want to KNOW you".  Ouch. That we are now "just friends". Ouch. I wonder what I did to be moved into that category?  I think he just got scared and is afraid to let down any of his walls. Sad that so many people let fear run their lives. Missed opportunities because you are afraid of being hurt.

He just didn't like me that much.

It makes me feel like shit....confused....bitchy.  I just don't understand. Hurt.

Fall Harvest

The air and light has changed outside.  Everything seems to have a warm glow, the last fleeting color of the summer.  The leafs are turning to a rust color on the mountain side.  I can't seem to sit inside, I'm desperate to soak up the remaining light and any opportunity to just be outside.

With it being fall, it means it's time to pick out pumpkins.  My family and I went to a local farm to see the fall harvest and play "farm" games.  We watched pig races, rode around on a "cow" train in the corn fields and then slid down hay slides.  My niece, being two, would go down one slide and start laughing and then end up crying at the end of the slide.  It was hilarious to watch.

We ended up waiting and waiting in a long line to get on the tracker that takes you out to the pumpkin fields. It was so long you could tell it was starting to be past bedtime for the kiddies, because the shrieks increased.  We finally had to call it quits and bribe my niece with the promise of food so we could head home. We will have to go back another day.....hopefully soon.  I was looking forward to wandering the field looking for that perfect pumpkin.  My niece wanted a "baby" pumpkin. Ahh, too much fun!

Uncertainty

Uncertainty. It's hard to live with not knowing.  I have another appointment on Friday to check to see if my precancerous cells have progressed.  I won't know the results for awhile.  I know I will be fine, but I'm scared of the next steps. I have so many things floating right now that I don't have the answers to fix it or make it all go away.  It could be worse. I will have to keep going back for awhile. So I will have to learn to live with this uncertainty. I'm not sure how?  

Working on the Postcard for the Swimsuits

I've been doing homework and designing the postcard for the swimsuit business today.  I would love to be outside enjoying the last bit of warm weather. It's amazing how fast it has turned cold.  I had a nice weekend, I took myself to dinner, gallery stroll, and an outdoor concert.  The Copper Onion has these ricotta dumplings that I can't resist.  I like to go and sit at the bar, ordering the dumplings and a drink.  That's about all that I can afford at this upscale restaurant on a tight budget.  The concert was chilly, but luckily I had remembered to bring a blanket and wear a sweater.  The band was melodic and soothing, their voices echoing off the surrounding buildings and floating up into the crisp air. Sometimes I realize how alone I am and how comforting it feels. It's just me.  I'm starting to think that I don't want to get married again or have someone in my life.  I've been so disappointed.  Tired of feeling any sense of rejection, when I'm accepting. I can see myself getting older and spending my time doing only the things that I love. Exploring creativity.

The City of London

Sometimes life gives you a break.  A very welcomed break!  I'm going to leave my worries behind!  I found out today my work is sending me to London.  I've been wanting to get out of town and have been started to feel that I couldn't escape this Utah bubble, when "the boss" called me into his office and announced that he needed someone in London with a creative eye.  I'm being sent over to redecorate some of the rental properties.  So I get to combine my two loves, style and shopping!  I'm looking forward to seeing the London Tower and the Royal Palace....oh, the list goes on!  Things in life are looking up!  

Beautiful Song, Thought I Would Share

There is No Lion at the Door

The hum of the industrial fan drowns out the voice of the instructor.  I can see her mouth moving but I can't hear her voice. It's like drowning in water.

I want to get up and move. I need to be somewhere doing something. Anything.  Anywhere other than sitting in class trying to figure out a hundred different ways to categorize and define the word curriculum.

Feeling frantic that my life is slipping away as I sit. My heart starts to race.

Then I realize that I don't have anywhere to be-no crisis to advert.  No unpaid bills, no late assignments, nothing to straighten. No one's happiness to maintain.

Am I bored?  Is this a form of contentment?  Am I in limbo?

My body has been in a "Fight and Flight Response" for so long that I have forgotten how to just sit and be still.

Productivity has given me value.

In my marriage I had to justify every move and show a product. "Look at me! I baked a cake, cooked a gourmet meal, waxed the car, exercised two hours for a perfect body, and brought home a paycheck", I would eagerly report to my productivity parole officer (The Ex).

If things were not done up to his high standards there would be.....consequences.

My self-worth has been tied to how much I earned, how much I worked, how much I cleaned, how many tiny errands I could accomplish without having to bother the husband.  Because I gave him all my power, I valued him over myself.

I have a hard time being alone. It's too quiet.  I used to be able to sit down and write, and paint. Now it makes me nervous.  Nervous that my product won't be perfect and I will have to justify my time.  But now I'm in charge and I have to reassure myself that I'm okay just being me.   

How do I relearn to be still and listen? Enjoy my freedom.

It's the first time in a long time, that I don't have to look over my shoulder.

I still feel haunted, I tell myself there is no lion waiting at the door.....  I am safe. 

I'm Dating Jeff Goldblum

well, not actually.  But he reminds me of Jeff Goldblum and has the very same tone of voice......and glasses.  We just started seeing each other and he seems very creative, smart, and genuine.  The conversation is never dull.  It feels nice to have someone that I look forward to seeing.  Life has been great!  I start school again tomorrow-the homework begins and my social life will be over. (Hopefully not entirely)

The Venice Beach Swimsuit

The pictures from the photo shoot are back.  It was a fun and creative process.  I am extremely happy with the photos.  I feel grateful for such a talented and beautiful model, Adrianna, and for the photographer, Fumihiko.  Now onto the next phase of putting the business together! Exciting!!!