There is No Lion at the Door

The hum of the industrial fan drowns out the voice of the instructor.  I can see her mouth moving but I can't hear her voice. It's like drowning in water.

I want to get up and move. I need to be somewhere doing something. Anything.  Anywhere other than sitting in class trying to figure out a hundred different ways to categorize and define the word curriculum.

Feeling frantic that my life is slipping away as I sit. My heart starts to race.

Then I realize that I don't have anywhere to be-no crisis to advert.  No unpaid bills, no late assignments, nothing to straighten. No one's happiness to maintain.

Am I bored?  Is this a form of contentment?  Am I in limbo?

My body has been in a "Fight and Flight Response" for so long that I have forgotten how to just sit and be still.

Productivity has given me value.

In my marriage I had to justify every move and show a product. "Look at me! I baked a cake, cooked a gourmet meal, waxed the car, exercised two hours for a perfect body, and brought home a paycheck", I would eagerly report to my productivity parole officer (The Ex).

If things were not done up to his high standards there would be.....consequences.

My self-worth has been tied to how much I earned, how much I worked, how much I cleaned, how many tiny errands I could accomplish without having to bother the husband.  Because I gave him all my power, I valued him over myself.

I have a hard time being alone. It's too quiet.  I used to be able to sit down and write, and paint. Now it makes me nervous.  Nervous that my product won't be perfect and I will have to justify my time.  But now I'm in charge and I have to reassure myself that I'm okay just being me.   

How do I relearn to be still and listen? Enjoy my freedom.

It's the first time in a long time, that I don't have to look over my shoulder.

I still feel haunted, I tell myself there is no lion waiting at the door.....  I am safe. 

I'm Dating Jeff Goldblum

well, not actually.  But he reminds me of Jeff Goldblum and has the very same tone of voice......and glasses.  We just started seeing each other and he seems very creative, smart, and genuine.  The conversation is never dull.  It feels nice to have someone that I look forward to seeing.  Life has been great!  I start school again tomorrow-the homework begins and my social life will be over. (Hopefully not entirely)

The Venice Beach Swimsuit

The pictures from the photo shoot are back.  It was a fun and creative process.  I am extremely happy with the photos.  I feel grateful for such a talented and beautiful model, Adrianna, and for the photographer, Fumihiko.  Now onto the next phase of putting the business together! Exciting!!!

The Paris Swimsuit

Alice in Wonderland

Upcoming Photo Shoot

I'm a woman of few words now days.  I don't return voice mails, texts, and e-mails.  Communication is tiring.  What is my problem?

I need a break.

This weekend is the upcoming photo shoot for the swim line.  I can't tell you how excited I am about the photographer, models, and the styling.  I will definitely have to share when I see the photos!  You will be the first to see!