Why Men Love Bitches

From Publishers Weekly

Contending that some women are "too nice," comedian and radio show host Sherry Argov has written Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship. "I'm not recommending that a woman have an abrasive disposition," Argov writes, "The woman I'm describing is kind yet strong. She doesn't give up her life, and she won't chase a man." Her sassy book is filled with scenarios and advice aimed at making women subtly stronger and self-empowered. Argov's principles, which range from the farfetched to the downright absurd, include "If you give him a feeling of power, he'll want to protect you and he'll want to give you the world" and "A little distance combined with the appearance of self-control makes him nervous that he may be losing you." The book, which has already been featured on The View and The O'Reilly Factor, should make waves with its controversial view of relationships. 

Once again I found myself at Barnes and Noble.  A friend recommended this book, and so there I was in the "Self Help" section.  One of the gentleman that worked there, and a very good-looking one I might add, came up and asked if I need help finding anything.  I couldn't find the book, and asked him to help me find "Why Men Love Bitches".  I could tell he was trying very hard not to crack a smile.  He quickly found the book on the shelf and then turned and asked.

"If you don't mind me asking, why are you interested in this book?"

I said coyly.  "Well I've noticed many of my friends act like they don't care about their boyfriends, and the boyfriends seem to be chasing them.  I want to know how it feels to be chased for a change!"

He nodded and turned to leave, but quickly said "I don't like to be treated that way, but let me know if it works, I'm here Monday through Friday from eight to five."

As far as I was concerned, the book was already working!

Stay Calm, Everything is Under Control!

I like to picture myself as a modern day Mary Poppins.  Children smile and get excited to see me when I visit.  I bring all my clever games in my magical bag and the children scream in delight.  Then there's reality, as I picture my niece whacking me in the head with a pair of binoculars, not once but three times. Almost like a wild monkey. I just smiled and laughed thinking she would recognize that it wasn't proper etiquette to whack your aunt in the head.  Yes, she is only two, but I was surprised what force a little arm like hers could carry.

With my vast knowledge of children I debated what to get my nephew for his birthday (no binoculars), I interrogated my sister and she told me to just take him candy shopping. I thought, no sweat I have this.  I'm a regular Van-Trap singing lady with the hills and shit. Then somewhere in between here and there two other children were added to the mix. My other nephew and my crazy monkey niece, whom I love all very dearly I must add.  If I can't make fun of small children, who can I make fun of?

My sister insisted on going, probably because she was worried I would accidentally kill one of them, so we all piled into the car.  We soon discovered that all these kiddies weren't going to fit with all their special seats.  It took about another half an hour to secure all this techie gadget seats into another vehicle.

We were ready to go!

Surprisingly all was quiet except for a whine or two as we drove down the street headed to the old fashioned candy store, Smith and Edwards-a Utah tradition. I looked back at the kids and smiled slowly glancing at the large hornet crawling up my nephews arm.  I quickly put a hand to my mouth to muffle my screams.

Urgently I whispered to my sister "Pull over there is a hornet on Ian!"

I was tempted to jump ship, but I'm one of the responsible adults.  The car slowed and I jumped out screaming "Chinese Fire drill!"

It was like a fun game and I tried jerking the doors open to get the bugger out.  But the doors wouldn't open.  The child locks were on.

I screamed "The child locks, hit the button".

I heard the click and I flung open Ian's door and the hornet whizzed by my head to freedom.  I should have had a hooded cape on, I just saved the day. Yeah!

We silently cruised down the road again.  I decided to lay down the ground rules while we were in the car and I had their full attention.  "If you feel the need to pee, poop, or throw up, you can tell me.  Then I will tell your aunt Megan and she will take care of it. "

Pulling up to the candy store, swarms of people were picking up snacks for a day of boating on Willard Bay.  The kids jumped out of the car and quickly grabbed my arms-they had been trained well.  The massive candy section was close to the front and I could see the kids eyes lock on their ultimate mecca.

We grabbed a basket and their tiny hands eagerly clawed into the barrels of candy.  Dum-Dums, Pez, Bubble Tape, mini meals made out of sugar, and Pixie Sticks all seemed to make their way into the basket.

After the kids started to slow down and felt they had at least ten of everything, it was time to check out.  Forty bucks later and happy smiles, the candy store made for an entertaining and memorable adventure with my family. Always grateful to play the "Crazy Aunt Em".

Homework Has Taken Over my Life

Life has been full of....homework.  And more homework.  I enjoy a little, but not too much, and I'm currently at the "too much". (With one class) At times when I'm swamped I just want to drive to the airport and jump on a plane to Venice and never come back.  I'm sure it would work, I could sell fruit or something?  

I start my thesis writing class in a week.  It's everyday at 7am for three hours.  Now that will be fun.  I have a feeling I will be visiting Starbucks quite a bit.

After I finish my research paper for the term I should post it up here so you all can read it.  It's very exciting.  It's on Albert Bandura and his Social Learning Theory of modeling and imitation.  

I wouldn't do that to you.......

The House That Porn Paid For

My delicate powder blue, vintage inspired dress started to feel constricting.  I tugged at the neck.  Then started itching my arms.  I wanted to ripe it off.  A large herd of women with amazon legs and large plastic breasts were smothering me.  I was a nun in a crowd of scantily clad, bleached haired twenty somethings.

This party was my cousins idea.  "A chance to get out and mingle with the local Vegas community" she casually mentioned, but neglected the part that this community happened to be in the porn industry.

The owner of the house stood at the bottom of a sweeping staircase with a few women embracing his arms.  He was a modern day Hugh Hefner.  No one could really say exactly what he did in the porn industry, but being that he was a mere five foot four, I was guessing he was a distributor rather than a participant.

This was quite the house, with views of the Vegas lights, marble floors, and all the bells and whistles one could ever hope for.

Many of the guests clustered around the indoor basketball court, golf screen, bowling alley, dance floor, or hot tub.  I was half expecting to hear cheesy "porn" music pouring out of the speakers, but noticed a DJ spinning at his station on the dance floor. I walked over to the buffet impressed, but then I saw a spread of "Donnettes" on the table, imaging this would be something the photography crew would eat during a shooting break.  I knew a man had picked out the assortment of powdered, glazed, and chocolate Donnettes. Cheap and easy, just like the crowd.

Powder sugar coated the sides of my mouth as I snacked and watched people get in and out of the pool.  It seemed the more people drank the more clothes would come off. I started to scratch at my high collared dress again.

People would go into a room for awhile and a few would come out, then two more would go in, odd behavior.  I wanted to leave.

Around four am I was becoming deliriously tired. I had already attempted the "I'm tired, let's go" phrase, several times to my cousin, but each time she skillfully ignored me. This time I casually walked up and yanked the golf club out of her hand, threw it across the floor, and said. "It's time to go."

Leaving gaping mouths and a screen full of green grass and sand traps.

With my wild hair and smeared mascara, I was convincing.

I dragged my cousin and her boyfriend to the car. We were short some pants, shoes, keys, and phones.

"If it's not on you at this moment it ain't coming with you." I repeated loudly like a patient flight attendant, pointing to the door.

Shoving them into the car, I forgot I had no idea where I was going, I accidentally drove a half an hour the wrong way, ending up in the Vegas desert.  I was tempted to leave their limp bodies, but I figured that wouldn't be very nice.

Finally finding my bed, and leaving my friends like two year olds asleep in the car, I peeled off my dress, grateful I didn't have an "audience"and fell asleep.

Vegas, cheap and easy......but always unexpectedly entertaining.