Looking Forward to Friday

Can it be really happening?  This Friday I will be receiving the finished samples to my swimsuit designs.  It's been a long process to get this far.  The sampling phase is a practice run for the production company before they go into doing a "run" or producing the suits in quantity.  It has taken me about three to four months to actually find a company in the United States that had advanced sewing techniques to be able to sew the underwire and bra cups into each piece. 

The next few steps will be both time consuming and nerve racking, but I'm determined to get through it and find myself on the other side, swimsuits in hand!  I'm planning/hoping for a soft launch to the public in July and for retailers this fall. 

I can't tell you how excited I am to see the commerically finished suits!  It's like having one of my paintings come to life!  I will post pictures of the samples soon.....

Sometimes You Must Set Yourself on Fire

A loud inhuman wail came from the kitchen.  I froze.  I peered around the corner to see where the sound was coming from.  Inaudible voices softly murmured. I could see my grandmother standing away from my father  her hands placed firmly on her hips.

I had never seen my father cry like this.  His breathing erratic through his deep sobs and free-flowing tears.

Suddenly he slammed his fist on the counter, making my grandmother jump.

"Why would you do this? Don't you love all your children?" He said with a tormented expression while gazing at my grandmothers face. Searching for empathy. Understanding.

His fist shoots into the air, trying to battle an unseen monster.

Silence.

"You have given me nothing. The last thing you could do is leave what you have to your children. " He vehemently spits the words. Years of boxed up fury.

It seems in my grandmother's household, not all children are loved equally.

My father played the role of the dutiful and caring son, while hiding the neglect.

This Trust and Last Will was one last punishment for daring to start his own life and leaving.

Leaving her.

He slammed his fist against the counter.  Grandmothers arms raised defiantly across her chest.

He knew this outburst was fruitless.  She made him feel like that tiny helpless boy again.  Embarrassingly wearing the same soiled jeans for years at school, being tormented by his classmates. His mother amazingly not seeing his need for affection or care.

This was her last chance to provide for her family.  To bring peace. If she had said she was sorry he would have forgiven her.

But she stared past him, seeming to examine the knick-knacks on the wall.

Viewing this indifference, his face steamed to a blustery red.

Screaming, "Why won't you listen? Why don't you love us equally? " Shouting everything that he wasn't supposed to bring out of the darkness.  It was as if he had unlocked the family safe, pulled out its contents and set it all on fire.

A hot brilliant flame she couldn't ignore.

I'm proud of my father for refusing to be a victim and for doing for himself what he needed to do-saying how he really felt.  He will never hear any apologies, but he had all the dirty laundry out in the open and off of his chest.

A Rough Week

This week has been a rough one. I'm sure I will be out of this rut tomorrow, I'm going out with my friend Chris and his friends, I think it will be a fun group and lots of laughs.

I haven't felt like blogging this week. I had a minor procedure at the doctors office, and I didn't feel well for a few days. It was mentally taxing for so many different personal reasons.

The doctor was checking for cancer.

I should have the test results back in two weeks.

She said that it's far off from actually having cancer, but if they find precancerous cells, then I have to go in and have another procedure.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't have to go back in.

It made me realize how fragile our health can be and that I don't want to ever go back to any doctors office.

Maybe when I can laugh about it, I will post a few funny stories about it and all that happened last week. For now I'm snuggled in blankets watching a movie and snacking on ice cream.