Me and My Dirty Dirty Picture

(This painting is similar to the photo, but with a drape over the backside)

Walmart. It's fast and easy. I can upload photos and swing by to pick them up in an hour. Quick and painless.

So when I stopped by the photo counter, I was surprised when I told the lady my name and she gave me this strange startled look, like she just burped and swallowed. She quickly turned in her nylon pants, leaving a swooshing sound as she scurried away to another co-worker in the corner. She whispered something in his ear and they both turned and silently stared in my direction.

Their eyes accusing......

Then I remembered.

"Shoot." I said as I nervously smiled at the employees huddled in the back.

They had discovered the picture.

"Play it cool", I told myself as I saw one of them pick up the phone and loudly announce that they needed the Manager in the photo area.

The Manager and the employees discussed for a moment, when he headed my way immediately starting to tilt his head and cross his arms, ready to give me a good verbal lashing.

I pictured myself leaning onto the counter with a cigarette dangling from the corner of my mouth as I casually ask "What seems to be the problem", just like a dangerous Maverick, not to be toyed with in a cavalier manner.

But I can already feel my face creeping into a fiery red.

"Mama. We don't print "those" type of pictures. We are a family store." He states darning me to challenge his authority.

I quickly come to my own defense, eagerly stating that the picture was a nude, but it was only the backside of a woman, with a drape across her backside. This was a family-friendly modest nude.

And Gosh Darn it was for the sake of art!"

He lets out a burst of air, breathing a slight onion aroma over the top of my head, as he pretends to ponder the situation. He rapidly turns and marches away, as I imagine his heels clicking, he meets back with the rest of the employees for a pow-wow.

The formed pack are examining the photo, while making animated gestures.

The verdict: "Mama, (the Mama word again) we have determined that this is an unsuitable print because the drape does not fully cover the line of the woman's bottom. I'm sorry but I cannot allow you to have this photo."

Summary: In other words....too much ass crack is showing.

I smile, knowing this was a no-win ordeal, and promising myself that I will install the printer as soon as I returned home.

I'll be damned if anyone is going to keep me from painting this picture, I cursed to myself. They allowed the scene in Titanic, so a painting should fly, as I pictured the Manager watching the movie and singing along. I just knew he loved it, Celine Dion and all.

My face was now a burning bright red and I felt like I had just tried to shoplift porn from the local video store and had been caught. The Manager said my pictures of barns and horses were okay and that I was free to go.

But never bring back my dirty, dirty pictures!

The Christmas Review

I probably should not write this because I'm ornery as Hell, but it's been over a week since I have posted a blog, and my orneriness doesn't seem to be going away.....its lingering. And anything that lingers can't be good.

My biggest complaint at the moment is trying to find a job that will cover my bills since I was laid off two days before Christmas. Unemployment doesn't cut it. I know I will find something, but it's looking pretty sparse. Dammit.

Insert numerous "Bitch and Moans" here.

Overall Christmas was fabulous. And I do mean fabulous, I don't use that word for just anything. (Okay, yeah I do) It was the first Christmas that I didn't have to worry about a spouse breathing down my neck and whispering, "When are we leaving", and me replying, "We just got here!"

I was able to spend quality time with my family, doing the usual large extended party that involves all the relatives talking, but not really ever to each other? We had the usual spread of food-a few delightful Mormon delectables. Baked ham, funeral potatoes, chips, jello with whip cream, and "all out mayo" macaroni salad.

Then my immediate family had snacks and put a puzzle together on Christmas Eve. I would like to think that I helped put the puzzle together, but the overwhelming thought process gave me a headache and I seemed to be more interested in continuously eating.......

In the morning we went over to my sister Meg's and had omelets and watched my niece open all of her gifts. She's at the entertaining age of two, where all the gifts are just plain snazzy. A giant dollhouse mansion, a kitchen set-complete with a fridge and microwave, and last but not least, a Sparkle Fashion Barbie.

I've never had so much fun!

My niece started to have a melt down when she saw me coveting her toys. She snarled her teeth, shaking her tiny fists in my direction, her head violently shaking, as she screamed, "No Emily! Mine!" I quickly got the point and laid down the Sparkle Barbie.

Maybe next year I will get a Fashion Barbie (pink Corvette included). We'll see if I can be good.....

The Impending Road Trip

Before every date I spend at least an hour primping.

Showering, shaving, blowing my hair out straight, makeup, and of course the perfect outfit. Then I'm ready to go!

I walk out the door and put on a show of perfection ( As I imagine). I smile and laugh at all his jokes, looking fabulous. I can only put on this charade for about two or so hours, more if required.

Then I go home, put the hair in a scrunchie, throw on my reindeer Christmas sweats, and pull out the ice cream in full force-the salad at dinner just didn't cut it.

My charade has proven effective because I've been dating a very nice gentleman for about a month now.

So far so good.

He's quiet (I'm loud) and takes me out to dinner (I like food). He's already met my friends and heard all about my crazy family. CRAZY. He thinks I'm beautiful.

He steady and secure, which entails owning a house and having a job. A rare combo.

So "Dan" asked me to go on a mini break to Yosemite Park this next week. My mind starts to race. A ten hour drive to California. How will I maintain my illusion of perfection. I'm sure I will fall asleep with a half eaten hamburger in my lap and my head will fall back and let out a few loud snorts as I sleep.

He will see everything.

All my quirky habits and feisty temper.

This road trip will be the true test. I had to initially clear that there would be no camping of any kind and assured no animal will eat me on this adventure.

Who knows he may leave my ass on Highway Whatever. Is it bad I don't know how to get to California?

I do know the general direction......

Time to stop panicking and start packing......yes.....a week in advance!

Another Finished Painting

Hello Everyone! I thought I would share with you another finished painting. This one seemed to just paint itself. I used a rag to wipe away the color in the grass, so you can see the canvas through the paint. I like the contrast of orange and blue. December has been very busy with life and work. I'm excited for all the holiday parties and spending time with friends and family.