Me and My Dirty Dirty Picture

(This painting is similar to the photo, but with a drape over the backside)

Walmart. It's fast and easy. I can upload photos and swing by to pick them up in an hour. Quick and painless.

So when I stopped by the photo counter, I was surprised when I told the lady my name and she gave me this strange startled look, like she just burped and swallowed. She quickly turned in her nylon pants, leaving a swooshing sound as she scurried away to another co-worker in the corner. She whispered something in his ear and they both turned and silently stared in my direction.

Their eyes accusing......

Then I remembered.

"Shoot." I said as I nervously smiled at the employees huddled in the back.

They had discovered the picture.

"Play it cool", I told myself as I saw one of them pick up the phone and loudly announce that they needed the Manager in the photo area.

The Manager and the employees discussed for a moment, when he headed my way immediately starting to tilt his head and cross his arms, ready to give me a good verbal lashing.

I pictured myself leaning onto the counter with a cigarette dangling from the corner of my mouth as I casually ask "What seems to be the problem", just like a dangerous Maverick, not to be toyed with in a cavalier manner.

But I can already feel my face creeping into a fiery red.

"Mama. We don't print "those" type of pictures. We are a family store." He states darning me to challenge his authority.

I quickly come to my own defense, eagerly stating that the picture was a nude, but it was only the backside of a woman, with a drape across her backside. This was a family-friendly modest nude.

And Gosh Darn it was for the sake of art!"

He lets out a burst of air, breathing a slight onion aroma over the top of my head, as he pretends to ponder the situation. He rapidly turns and marches away, as I imagine his heels clicking, he meets back with the rest of the employees for a pow-wow.

The formed pack are examining the photo, while making animated gestures.

The verdict: "Mama, (the Mama word again) we have determined that this is an unsuitable print because the drape does not fully cover the line of the woman's bottom. I'm sorry but I cannot allow you to have this photo."

Summary: In other words....too much ass crack is showing.

I smile, knowing this was a no-win ordeal, and promising myself that I will install the printer as soon as I returned home.

I'll be damned if anyone is going to keep me from painting this picture, I cursed to myself. They allowed the scene in Titanic, so a painting should fly, as I pictured the Manager watching the movie and singing along. I just knew he loved it, Celine Dion and all.

My face was now a burning bright red and I felt like I had just tried to shoplift porn from the local video store and had been caught. The Manager said my pictures of barns and horses were okay and that I was free to go.

But never bring back my dirty, dirty pictures!