Family

Hello! I was browsing through a few photos from this summer.  I thought this one was funny, everyone doing their own thing, but stopped for quick picture.  This is my younger sister Megan, who is holding her baby boy, if you wondered what was on her chest.  Then my niece, Scarlett, and my nephew Ian.  My other sister was taking the picture, she was visiting from Texas.  We are in Park City at the Olympic Park, going down the slides and trams.  I like seeing how each little person has their own personality! 

Anger is my Guide

It's amazing when part of your life comes together and the other parts falls into pieces.  Sometimes I feel like I have my fingers plugging all the holes in a dam.  My swimsuit business is coming together with a local retailer picking up the line for the spring, while my day to day job fell into pieces.  One of the owners went on a tirade not just about my facebook usage, but attacked me as a person.  I was shocked.  Then I went home and got angry.  Anger has become my friend.  It's motivating and works as a guide.  The next day I sat the boss down and we had a long talk.  It turns out there was nothing wrong with me or my performance, it was just an off day for him, which turned ugly.  But I was proud that I stood up for myself, without putting him down in return, and kept my integrity.

I'm just trying to be the best person I can be and why it may not be good enough for some people, it's good enough for me. And that's all that matters.

My new "Friend"

Okay. I have calmed down.  The dust has settled.  I do have my moments of melodrama.  It's my process. I totally freak out and then I take time to mull it over for awhile.  My recent "friend" is not trying to plot against me and single handedly trying to destroy my life.  So far his actions are ringing true to the "Let's just be friends" line.  He is taking the time to get to know me for me and not just based on my sex appeal (or lack of). He's been calling to genuinely ask how my day has gone.  At first I was still suspect with his chipper greeting of "How was your day", but now it's quite charming. My "friend" wants to help me create a Podcast about my dating stories. (I wonder if he knows what he's in for?)  I've never had a man take an interest and support my creativity.  And he's an awesome cook. Ha!

I have to give him credit by making me stop and think.  How well have I known the people I have dated?  I never took the time to take it slow and get to know the person.  It was a defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt.....from connecting. I think I'm out of the "crazy divorce" phase and I'm ready to get to know my "friend".

Now I'm Pissed

***Warning: Major cursing will ensue***Now I'm angry today. How can someone push you away and not even try.  Fear.  I'm supposed to hang around and be friends?  It hurts when you go to hold someones hand and they drop it like a cold fish. Any affection. Denied. That makes me feel loved and valued.  Thanks.  Why would I stick around for that?  Even my God Damn friends will give me a freakin hug.  It's cold.  What happened in his life to put up such a wall.  It frustrates me when someone won't get out of their comfort zone because of fear.  Fear of being hurt.  I say, "Grow some balls and get over it."

It's the risk we take and I guess he's not willing to risk it.  I guess time will tell me what he wants to put out there by his effort.  I can either accept it or not.  But I don't want to go down without at least calling him on his shit.  It pisses me off.  I hate no resolution. Or maybe I just don't want to see the truth?

I guess he does not want to officially break it off because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings? Or maybe he's frightened of my reaction?  That I might curse at him.

So he wraps the turd in a gold wrapper, by putting the spin on it as "Lets be friends".

Or does it mean he wants to slow things down and build trust?  What?

He said he's not boyfriend material.  I'm not asking you to be my boyfriend.  I'm asking to spend time together and just enjoy the present moment. Eat dinner, watch a movie, have sex-that's it.  What's so hard about that?  What the Hell.  Men are confusing.  What's with all this thinking and talking.  Aggravating.

I need to just start mourning the loss of yet another, non-relationship.  Fuck I hate dating.

Why do I still put myself out there? Because the reward of finding a companion, will make it all worth it.  I'm enough, but I want to share my experiences with a friend.  I want to meet someone that takes the jump, gets out of their comfort zone.  Takes life by the balls and makes it work.  If someone is panicking now, then how do you expect them to stick around for anything else.  The first sign of blood and they shit themselves.  Why put yourself in this box?  You live in the box to avoid any pain or unpleasant experiences.  Hurt will still get inside. By staying in this box the only thing that is kept safe is the limit to your happiness.  Why limit yourself? You are missing quality life-changing experiences, ones where you have to get out of the safety zone to obtain them.   "Fortune Favors the Bold"

I'm Confused

Okay. I'm confused and I'm a little bit bitchy.  A nice combo.  I've been dating this guy "Jeff Goldblum" most of the summer.  I thought it was going well.  We went on picnics, he cooked dinner, we had great conversation.  Then his life turned busy with getting a second job to help pay for a few extra things for his son.  So his time became limited.  I understood and knew I would see him less. "Jeff" would still call and text.  The only catch is whenever I saw him, he seemed to be pulling away.  I would go to hold his hand and he would pull it away, simple, but noticeable signs.

This weekend he had me over and he cooked a delicious dinner.  We chatted and then the conversation grew serious when he mentioned that "This relationship mattered more to me than it did to him." That he wanted to "spend more time with his son and less time chasing women".  But I'm the only woman he is dating. I think. And I'm not high maintenance. I think. So I said "Let me understand, you don't like me and that I liked him more". "Jeff" said "No, I like you".  Ugh....all this "liking". Then he said "I just want to KNOW you".  Ouch. That we are now "just friends". Ouch. I wonder what I did to be moved into that category?  I think he just got scared and is afraid to let down any of his walls. Sad that so many people let fear run their lives. Missed opportunities because you are afraid of being hurt.

He just didn't like me that much.

It makes me feel like shit....confused....bitchy.  I just don't understand. Hurt.

Fall Harvest

The air and light has changed outside.  Everything seems to have a warm glow, the last fleeting color of the summer.  The leafs are turning to a rust color on the mountain side.  I can't seem to sit inside, I'm desperate to soak up the remaining light and any opportunity to just be outside.

With it being fall, it means it's time to pick out pumpkins.  My family and I went to a local farm to see the fall harvest and play "farm" games.  We watched pig races, rode around on a "cow" train in the corn fields and then slid down hay slides.  My niece, being two, would go down one slide and start laughing and then end up crying at the end of the slide.  It was hilarious to watch.

We ended up waiting and waiting in a long line to get on the tracker that takes you out to the pumpkin fields. It was so long you could tell it was starting to be past bedtime for the kiddies, because the shrieks increased.  We finally had to call it quits and bribe my niece with the promise of food so we could head home. We will have to go back another day.....hopefully soon.  I was looking forward to wandering the field looking for that perfect pumpkin.  My niece wanted a "baby" pumpkin. Ahh, too much fun!